The irony of My Chemical Romance video clip on I Don't Love You

My Chemical Romance is one of my favorite music bands out there. one of their songs that i can really relate to my situation right now is I Don't Love you that was released on April 2007. i don't want to stressed so much on the lyrics but i want to discuss on the video clip which i found out very significance.

looking at the other side of the video clip, not the band performing the song, you can see two obvious characters. the man in black and the woman in white. The music video is about two lovers in a strange abstract world, and the video seems to tell the story of how their love quickly withers away until one leaves the other alone. ironically, the two characters depicted in the video represent exactly my personality and her as the one i try to win. but at the end, the love quickly fades away when in fact mine is building up mountain high. put yourself in my shoes and feel the heart breaking feelings inside me then you will understand how difficult it is to overcome.

the reason i chose to upload the acoustic version, i found it very pleasing to listen to acoustic music when the song is the one you can relate to in times like this.

living diary part 2

during the early days of our relationship, i made a CD for her. i wrote the title of the CD as Living Diary. the CD contains some of the songs i could relate to her, my feelings, and the relationship at that moment that was beginning to blossom. it was beautiful. she liked it so much and i was glad that i made something that she never had before.

now, i want to try the same approach. i don't know will it work this time but i want to give it a try. besides, i just want her to know my feelings and that is all.

as i was searching for suitable songs to be included in part II, i found this one i can really relate it to myself. i wish she would stay...but anyway. let us listen to the song by Sugarland - Stay.

Eden: full of love beyond poetry

let me take you into the facet of my relationship that finally ruined by my deepest regret of being ignorance. she is young, vibrant, adventurous, beautiful in her own absolute beauty, motherly, patience, and most importantly a lover to me. we started the beautiful story of our relationship with a simple outing that fostered our relationship to become closer. we exchanged text messages soon after. i was there for her during hard times and so did her. day after day it became stronger to the point, when we had a fight, we missed each other the next hour passed by.

she hailed me for being able to change her from a teenager to an adult which she finally did and move on with that. she showed me love. unconditional love. but i..on the other hand, did not show her my love enough. i was being ignorance, i admit that. i broke her heart numerous times but thank god we still stayed with each other until not so long ago.

i shall describe why i became ignorance in the first place. i wanted to discover how strong her love really is. in fact, to my knowledge it was strong. i made her cried at night but it was not for long as i came back the next morning for i know she is the one for me then. i never wanted to make her love wasted.

started when i knew how immortal her love, i developed this intense feeling of love for her. i vow to myself, to which i never had a chance to tell her, to keep her for my future companion. to provide her with the finest love beyond what she has experienced. to provide comfort for her when she really need it. to fulfill her every dream. to kiss her forehead before saying goodbye every now and then. to hold her hand without letting go in dire situations. to buy her flower every morning shall time permits. to embrace her when she cry and wipe her tears dry. to sing her love songs but not lullaby every night before she fall asleep. most importantly to shower her with love beyond poetry..  when a man really loves a woman, there is no obstacle that hinders his from achieving all those.

unfortunately, i never had a chance to do so for i was too late. i dared to take the risk when i hid all those. i understand the consequences in the first place but i wanted it to be worth the sacrifice. i gambled our relationship for the sake of investigating. she could have won it by now and im the loser. but if the table turns around, she will deserve more than what she expected before this.

i can see my future for i have what it takes to execute all i have dreamed of in live. to have a proper life, a career, a financial status and everything. perhaps a successful man in his own way, InsyaAllah. but behind every successful man, is a woman, and i don't see that it is her just yet. i may have a chance to make it her if that is written by God. well.. im crossing my finger again. time is all we have and God has made a plan for every one of us.

now, does this justify of why it was very difficult to let her go? look at it this way. i struggled along the way climbing a mountain until i reached the pinnacle when i felt like i could wind down and look at the beautiful scenery nature has to offer. all of a sudden, i was forced to jump off the cliff which i did eventually, would you accept that and dare to experience the excruciating pain? i guess you would not.

footnote# to Eden's daughter, i apologize for my love is immortal and you are precious  

Goals. time is very limited.

i shall begin this entry by talking briefly on some goals i will work on to lead a meaningful life. as i wish, i do not want to die without doing some wonderful cherish moments in a short chapter of my mortal being. i have been walking on the surface God permits me to walk on, for 27 years. i was being ignorance since that period. i said to myself, "life is life let it be. whatever will happen tomorrow, let it be". i never intended to change the course for my own benefit and so. with that being said, my intended purpose of living is dull. 

soon after gaining my consciousness from a tragic fall, i started to realise. i need to have the intended meaning of living my life to the fullest. i need to break free from the cocoon that i live in for a brief moment. so then i derived it from my sanity, that i should stop being ignorance of goals in life. to explain further, i categorized them into two; short term goal & long term goal.

lets talk about short term goal (STG). i have many STG that i would like to achieve in a short period of time as so it is called. STG1, to try piloting an aircraft in a simulator. when i was a small kid, my father who works in the airline industry exposed me to the aviation world. i lived nearby a local airport so quite often i saw aircraft take-off and landing at the end of a runway. i started to develop in depth interest to become a pilot in the near future. fast forward, i tried numerous times to become enlisted but i guess i was not meant to be one even though i almost achieved it one day but failed at the end selection process. "the last lecture" by Randy Pausch motivates me. (read the book if you wish to know further). quote, "fail to achieve your dream doesn't mean there is no chance at all. look at it this way, you're traveling on a straight road and someone purposely build a brick wall in the middle of the way. to continue forward, you need to maneuver pass the brick wall and your on your way again" the late Randy Pausch. i may not achieve my dream to become a pilot, but i may become as close as one. to my great relief, i discovered that there is one who can provide the experience of flying an aircraft sitting in a cockpit just like a real pilot do. look for www.skysimulator.com and there you go. experience it.

move on, i have one long term goal. i was born on the year 1986. in secondary school, i had so much interest to study physics. in fact, i was among the very few bumiputera students who excelled in the subject. one of my favourite chapters was thermonuclear and it even inspired me to become a nuclear scientists one day! The significance of 1986 with my long term goal is, i want to visit the worst nuclear reactor disaster in the history of new science that is situated at Pripyat, chernobyl in Ukraine. i would love to visit the place and take some pictures to. finger cross. one day i will step foot on its abandoned buildings

the ending was rather difficult

this is where i shall start my journey. a voyage on a rough sea i should say. i often being a critic to myself when i read love posting. perhaps i have never felt the way some mortals feel in a brink of a fail relationship. i was just being judgmental on the life, feelings, suffering, state of mind that some people going through in the situation. one fine day, i fell of the cliff, plunging thousand feet towards the ground. i was shattered when i finally reached the ground. the sky went dark. soundless. the voice of humanity slowly faded away. the end of the tunnel who shed light upon my destiny over this years has finally being covered and there shall be no light penetrating through it. i lived in a brief dark moment or perhaps it could be immortal. the beating part of me has no intended purpose to beat i should say. it was difficult. it was very very difficult to be in the state where you have to go through a fail relationship. it could cost someone's life without considering the fact committing suicide for love reason is fool. it could make a person lost his job, friends, fail in exams, hurting oneself, and so many probabilities that at the end of the day, the one who wins, laughing at your foolish acts. allow me if you will, let me be frank, i had one in the list i have mentioned above. But i thanked god, for He gave me this opportunity to go through everything with all might i have left after loosing so much energy of trying to bring back my consciousness.
the ending was difficult. you may say i am a loser to cry over a girl for losing her love, but have you been through that? in my shoes? i will explain later every facet of my relationship.why it was so difficult for me to go through it even though i am a 27 year old who have been through quite a number of relationships with others. this was the hardest to be honest, for many reasons i will explain